I Feel Old and I Want to Be Older

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See, I still think about you, ol' blog of mine. I would never forget you.

My entire life has always been focused on the future. This is honestly one of the worst traits I have. Always looking forward to a new milestone, hardly ever being able to enjoy the present but only remember the past, and not realizing when I've met that milestone.

For example, a big thing for me my whole life was turning 16 and getting my license on my birthday. Both my brothers did it, so why shouldn't I? (I actually thought for the longest time that everyone got their license on their 16th birthday.) When I missed the deadline of my 15th birthday to get my permit so I would have my permit for exactly a year, I was super excited when I found out you only needed your permit for six months to get your license. Oh yeah, by the way, I missed that deadline because October 25th is my birthday but October is marching contest month. Almost every weekday practices, Friday night football games, and Saturday contests. The only days you get to breathe are Sunday, which are usually spent sleeping and re-cooperating from the contest the day before, and Wednesday. Absolutely no time to take driver's ed classes, forget about practicing driving. So, okay. I'll start driver's ed in March so I can get my permit so I have it a little over 6 months by the time I turn 16. But guess what? Now we have UIL rehearsals weekly after school now during March, so I can't fit in driver's ed with that. Wait till summer.

So I've had my permit for close to a year now. I hardly ever get to drive. Timothy is supposed to take me night driving, so I can fill out that stupid form with the night hours (that's the only reason I still didn't get my license back in January, thank you Texas,) but we haven't done it once and I've been out of school for almost a month. Great.

Because of all the stress to go along with it, I've hardly realized I'm freakin' capable of controlling a big machine that could kill me and many other innocent bystanders. Something that before, I was incapable of doing. Sure, it wasn't all picturesque as my brothers' experiences (okay, maybe they weren't too picturesque, I was 8 and 12 when they got their licenses so how am I supposed to remember?) but I'm still (getting) there. So what made me miss it all?

I've spent the last week being a group leader at my church's vacation bible school. In the past, I've helped out with the crafts station (I will never do that again,) the preschooler groups, and even done nothing (that was last year.) I have very fond memories of VBS from when I was a kid and I realized that this year I didn't have to be a junior anything--I could be a full-fledged group leader. So of course I was totally in. And hey, when did that gap close where I could be an actual leader instead of just helping out?

Jonathan's getting married in about two weeks. Timothy and I are going to be part of the wedding party, which as predictable as it was, was still pretty cool, considering there's only three bridesmaids and three groomsmen and we're both one of them. This is my first time being in a wedding party ever. My brother, who I often questioned would ever get married, is getting married. I'm starting to feel pretty old.

The funny this is, I still want to be older. I want to be more mature, as apparently everyone I know thinks I'm immature. Is it because I dress up in costumes and go to conventions and like anime and stuff and they don't get it, or is because they know me better than I know myself? When can I be mature enough for them? When will I be mature enough to, say, get married and have kids? Would I do either of those things before I thought I was ready, or before they thought I was ready?

I want to get "my life" started as soon as possible. But I'm living it right now. Why does "my life" have to mean being married and having kids to me? I really wish I knew why, but I guarantee you it won't actually feel that way when those things do happen.


I Can't Sleep

So it's been a long time. Like a really long time. Like in over a month. Anyway, you get the idea--it's been a long time.

I can give you all these excuses but none of them are really that good. I was busy the last few weeks of school trying to make sure I passed all my classes (which, thankfully, I did :D) and was able to exempt most of my exams. I managed to only have to take two out of eight and one I had to take for college credit, the other I didn't have a high enough grade to exempt...or at least I THOUGHT I did until I got my grade and saw that it actually was high enough. D:< Oh well, I did better on the exam than I thought I would so it was okay. Anyway, I figured I'd finally write an entry once I got out of school but I've had absolutely no inspiration, so I've kept busy with Cracked.com, Cosplay.com, video games, and Presto. UNTIL NOW.

My Facebook advertises that I have two phobias: phobophobia (the fear of fearing) and food neophobia (the fear of trying new foods), both very accurate descriptions of me. But I also apparently have a phobia of anything when it's dark and nighttime.

Phobia isn't just a fear of--it's a irrational fear of. Wikipedia describes a phobia "as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding despite the fear, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely, the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities." However, it's kind of hard to avoid going to sleep.

Maybe I should cover my history with fear and anxiety. When I was a young girl I had this fear that while I slept, either a kidnapper/robber would break into the house or a fire would start and I wouldn't hear the fire alarm and my family would leave me behind for me to burn. I'm not quite sure where this phobia came from. I was fine during the day, but by the time it was time to say goodnight my mom would have to stay up for a very long time trying to convince me that none of that was going to happen. My mother showed me every night that all the doors and windows were locked, and one day showed me how loud the fire alarm was to prove to me that there was no way I could sleep through that. It couldn't have gone on for that long but the fact that it's so much at the forefront of my memory it feels like it went on for years. 

I'm pretty sure that's where it began. But, the onset of my next set of worries was far more severe. When I was in third grade, I suddenly was afraid of everything--that someway, somehow, me or someone I knew would die. I hadn't known anyone that had died that I was close to at that time, so I, again, have no idea where this came from. It became so bad I had to go to therapy. In third grade! (Then again it may be more surprising that I went back when I was 11 for depression.)

So even though I don't really have an especial sense of cowardice, it appears that I have a history of it. Huh.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that THE MONSTERS IN MY BASEMENT ARE TRYING TO EAT ME.
The above video is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Silent Hill is supposed to be the most terrifying, psychological, overall mind-screwy game series ever. The clip above? From Silent Hill: Homecoming...one of the least scariest in the series, only seconded by Silent Hill: Origins for the PSP and I can see why. I really don't understand how a game on a portable system can be terrifying. Anyway, Silent Hill, 2, 3, 4: The Room, and the upcoming Book of Memories were all created by the team in Japan--Silent Hill: Origins, Homecoming, Shattered Memories, and the upcoming Downpour were created by a team in the US. (No, I didn't just know all that...just most of it. Wikipedia is my friend.) Everyone was sure when Origins and Homecoming came out that the US team was going to screw up the series for good (though, you know, I'm all good for less scary, hence why I like Resident Evil and other non-terrifying "horror" games like Bioshock, Left 4 Dead, and frickin' Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem and psychological thrillers instead of horror movies)...until Shattered Memories was released. It's considered the scariest in the series alongside Silent Hill 2. Why? You don't even get to attack the enemies. This installment has the same story as the original Silent Hill but managed to have way more goosebumps quality. Not like I would know.

That's right. I know all this crap about this series even though I've only played Homecoming, only because my friend, Kayla, brought it over one day and really wanted to play it. Once she got past the opening sequence (you're in a demented hospital and your brother is acting like a total creeper, though that part is consistent throughout, and when you go to get his stuffed bunny who is obviously covered in blood and what not, you can potentially get your arm torn off, though it all appears to be a dream...or something like that), I wanted to go around the now much less intimidating town.

If it's like all the other games in the series, 25% of the time you're scared out of your mind and the other 75% you're really irritated that YOU KEEP NEEDING TO GOING THROUGH FAMILY TOMBS AND AS MUCH AS YOU TRY TO FOLLOW GAMEFAQS--

Now, I was honestly not afraid of this game while playing it. Okay, the lurker (that's what those monsters are called) from the video above kinda made me jump, but after I killed it and got rid of the water I was okay. And after I killed the lurker in my driveway. Aaand all the lurkers that crawl out of gutters randomly...and all the mutant half-decomposed dogs lurking around the graveyard.

If you're curious, I got up to the point where you're transported into Silent Hill, went into the hotel, and got attacked by monsters in the elevator. Then Kay-chan had to go.

Recently I've been really stressed. I've been noticed split ends for the first time in my life and it's been hard getting to sleep.

For the past few nights, that scene and many others from Homecoming keep popping up in my head whenever I try to go to sleep. I know it's just a video game and I don't have a little brother who's a complete psycho and a mom who stares out the window, sitting in a rocking chair, telling me "I don't want to talk right now, Alex," every time I try to talk to her. But the monster from my basement is trying to eat me.

Last night when I was in the bathroom, I could hear rustling of paper, like a newspaper, which totally freaked me out because everyone else was asleep. I ran out into the living room to realize that the sound was coming from my room where all the papers on my walls were being blown around by the ceiling fan.

I really wish I wasn't such a scaredy cat. Preston owns Silent Hill 2--you know, the one that's supposed to be the scariest in the series? That one gives you a radio that sends out static when an enemy is nearby, which apparently is terrifying because sometimes you can't see the enemy till it jumps out at you, and the sound of scraping metal signifies the appearance of Pyramid Head.

(Insert picture of Pyramid Head that Zizi is too afraid to look up on Google Images.)
(Okay, the information below is from the Pyramid Head article on Wikipedia and the image there is a little too gruesome to put on here. Go there at your own risk.)

Pyramid Head only really appears in Silent Hill 2 (though apparently he makes a few little cameos in Silent Hill: Homecoming, including one of the endings involving two Pyramid Heads turning your character, Alex, into one of them...which allows you to wear the costume. Awesome.) and is said to be pretty much the most terrifying thing in Silent Hill history.

I read somewhere once that Pyramid Head isn't actually an enemy at all. Like, really--technically he's not, considering you can never kill him. But he really isn't trying to harm you. Okay, maybe pushing you through a safety railing and murdering your companion is harmful...but that's not the point. Without Pyramid Head, you can't progress through the game. Pretty much every time you see Pyramid Head, he gets you to a new segment of the game. So why are we afraid of him so badly if, maybe, he's subconsciously just trying to help us? Good question.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I have a far-away love(?) for horror. But it's kinda like the hedgehog's dilemma (that link is just for the lulz), except instead of human-human, it's like...human-entertainment. I've read entire summaries and good amounts of FAQs of games I know I'll be way too scared to ever play like the scarier installments of Silent Hill and another survival horror game series, Clock Tower. I've read summaries of horror movies on Wikipedia, then quickly clicks them away when a scary image pops up. *coughcough*Child's Play*coughcough* If I wasn't such a scaredy cat maybe I'd be able to enjoy them.

Preston's father loves horror movies. We all thinks he's a psycho. But he always says "it makes you feel alive." (Really? 'Cause being scared just makes me want to feel dead.) I mentioned that Preston owns Silent Hill 2, and I know that he's not a fan of horror movies and can at times be as big of a scaredy cat as I so I don't even understand why he likes it so much, but he does.

Maybe one day I'll be more open to the horror games I long to play. But for now, I'm content will knowing the big plot twist and the entire ending to Silent Hill 3 without even having played the game at all without all the terrifying images present in my mind.