I Feel Old and I Want to Be Older

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My entire life has always been focused on the future. This is honestly one of the worst traits I have. Always looking forward to a new milestone, hardly ever being able to enjoy the present but only remember the past, and not realizing when I've met that milestone.

For example, a big thing for me my whole life was turning 16 and getting my license on my birthday. Both my brothers did it, so why shouldn't I? (I actually thought for the longest time that everyone got their license on their 16th birthday.) When I missed the deadline of my 15th birthday to get my permit so I would have my permit for exactly a year, I was super excited when I found out you only needed your permit for six months to get your license. Oh yeah, by the way, I missed that deadline because October 25th is my birthday but October is marching contest month. Almost every weekday practices, Friday night football games, and Saturday contests. The only days you get to breathe are Sunday, which are usually spent sleeping and re-cooperating from the contest the day before, and Wednesday. Absolutely no time to take driver's ed classes, forget about practicing driving. So, okay. I'll start driver's ed in March so I can get my permit so I have it a little over 6 months by the time I turn 16. But guess what? Now we have UIL rehearsals weekly after school now during March, so I can't fit in driver's ed with that. Wait till summer.

So I've had my permit for close to a year now. I hardly ever get to drive. Timothy is supposed to take me night driving, so I can fill out that stupid form with the night hours (that's the only reason I still didn't get my license back in January, thank you Texas,) but we haven't done it once and I've been out of school for almost a month. Great.

Because of all the stress to go along with it, I've hardly realized I'm freakin' capable of controlling a big machine that could kill me and many other innocent bystanders. Something that before, I was incapable of doing. Sure, it wasn't all picturesque as my brothers' experiences (okay, maybe they weren't too picturesque, I was 8 and 12 when they got their licenses so how am I supposed to remember?) but I'm still (getting) there. So what made me miss it all?

I've spent the last week being a group leader at my church's vacation bible school. In the past, I've helped out with the crafts station (I will never do that again,) the preschooler groups, and even done nothing (that was last year.) I have very fond memories of VBS from when I was a kid and I realized that this year I didn't have to be a junior anything--I could be a full-fledged group leader. So of course I was totally in. And hey, when did that gap close where I could be an actual leader instead of just helping out?

Jonathan's getting married in about two weeks. Timothy and I are going to be part of the wedding party, which as predictable as it was, was still pretty cool, considering there's only three bridesmaids and three groomsmen and we're both one of them. This is my first time being in a wedding party ever. My brother, who I often questioned would ever get married, is getting married. I'm starting to feel pretty old.

The funny this is, I still want to be older. I want to be more mature, as apparently everyone I know thinks I'm immature. Is it because I dress up in costumes and go to conventions and like anime and stuff and they don't get it, or is because they know me better than I know myself? When can I be mature enough for them? When will I be mature enough to, say, get married and have kids? Would I do either of those things before I thought I was ready, or before they thought I was ready?

I want to get "my life" started as soon as possible. But I'm living it right now. Why does "my life" have to mean being married and having kids to me? I really wish I knew why, but I guarantee you it won't actually feel that way when those things do happen.

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