Who I Am Hates How I Look

Hello readers. Today's entry isn't gonna be all perky and happy like the others. Right now I feel like crap about myself and I don't really feel like pushing it out of my mind and being all happy again yet. Maybe if I get out all my thoughts I can move on.


I just got out of the shower feeling all great about myself because I had talked to Presto right before and he always makes me feel great about myself and I was wearing a new shirt. I went to the outlet mall by the freeway near here and went to the Converse outlet trying to find some blue Hi-Tops to go with my highlighter yellow shoelaces I got there over spring break. Long story short, out of the four stores that sold Converse in the outlet mall, the only one that had the specific Converse I wanted was the one that asked for ID when I tried to use my dad's credit card and I didn't bring my wallet to prove that I was his daughter, so I ended up not getting the shoes. So instead I got a t-shirt because I had wanted a Converse t-shirt for quite a while now. So I ended up buying this t-shirt because it was cute and feminine and it was soft and Presto really likes it when I wear soft shirts. (His favorite shirt of mine is mainly his favorite shirt because it's soft.)


Anyway, today is my first time wearing it because I pretty much always wear new clothes for the first time on Wednesday because that's when I see the most people I know since I go to school, anime club, the public library, and then youth group. But I start getting a little worried because as soon as I put it on I start doing the subconscious thing where I suck in my stomach and can hardly breathe because I feel like I'll pop out of the shirt.


As you can see in my pictures, I'm not fat. At all. I'm not a stick, but I'm not fat. I know I'm not fat. So why can't I stop feeling like I am?

Also, my boobs are too big. The circle should look like a circle, but it doesn't--it looks like an oval because my boobs are too big. 36C is pretty average, maybe a bit on the larger size, but nothing to get too excited over. Something me and my friends do often is...well, talk about our breasts. And compare them. I'm the second biggest, second only to my friend, Jessica, with her DD's standing no more than 4'10". At least I don't get major back problems like her. The smallest, Kayla, has AA's and always complains when we bring up this topic, saying stuff like "My 11-year-old sister is bigger than me." Honestly I wish I had her figure and I don't try to hide it either. 


Usually when I go into a Rue 21 or one of those stores that sells the cute babydoll tee's that you see the stick-thin and flat-chested girls wearing, I kind of feel like crying. Because I know I'll look huge in all of those shirts. Some girls with my kind of figure actually manage to wear them but I don't know how I could without crying the whole time I was wearing them.

Whenever I occasionally try on one of those shirts, I'm surprised they don't burst a seam. I look in the mirror and I don't feel like me.


I feel like, maybe if I was like those stick-thin, flat-chested girls than I could be cuter and wear the cute babydoll t-shirts. I feel like that would fit my personality more. But instead being cute to me is wearing a shirt of my middle school that I got at 6th grade orientation that's so faded and shrunk so much that it almost looks like a babydoll tee.


I usually keep these feelings in because no one can really get it but you. No girl that's felt those same feelings, no one is going to sympathize for you. They just say to you, "Are you stupid? You look fine! You're not fat!" I occasionally will say I'm fat to Preston just to make him make me feel better, but of course it doesn't really help at all. I know that he thinks I'm pretty and beautiful and many other positive adjectives describing my appearance, and when I'm around him, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. But when I feel like the biggest girl in the room and I'm unconsciously sucking in my stomach I can't help but feel anything but.